Red Milk Or Blue?
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: HUMOUR CRACK FIC! Vicky, Vitzy and Hanzii are involved in a fight. It involves the skimmed or whole milk but ends with two arrests... and just WHY is Amelie turning pink? Vic/Myr, Han/Mic, Vit/Sha. R&R Rating for implied things & language. RED MILK ROCKS


_Crackfic_

_For Vitzy (the one who gave me the vampire loving virgo cup WHOOP) and Hanzii (you know why, my wondrous friend who spammed me till I spoke to her XD)_

_I don't own anything_

_Contains my characters of Hanzii, Vitzy and Vicky._

* * *

"But blue milk rocks!" Hanzii yells at Vicky from across the police station, Richard actually unable to deal with this any longer. He would send them to Amelie but… yeah, she isn't too happy with her daughter (Vicky) right now and something tells him that sending two humans to an angry vampire wouldn't be the best idea… and Sam (the Father) just found it hilarious.

"Hanzii, go to Common Grounds," he orders her, ignoring her wails that she looks disgusting and that everyone will laugh. "Vicky… go home and clean up before Amelie gets chance to go back. Maybe you can pretend that it's all a dream," he tells her, leaning back in his chair…

… This was a _long_ day…

* * *

_Why this day was long…_

"No, _blue_ milk is better!" Hanzii, once again, decides to go crazy and argue back with Vicky, who is dating Myrnin who is quite possibly the craziest vampire to have ever existed. The author would like to point out here that the purpose of mentioning that he is crazy is because he taught Vicky some crazy things to do.

Which, by the way, include the entire screaming fit she is about to get into.

"Vicky, calm down," Vitzy, their roommate, who just happens to be dating Shane, says, holding onto her shoulders to help put this point across. "Hanzii is the crazy one who likes to smell Hollister shorts, remember? She can't really say anything," she continues, shooting a grin at Hanzii who curls up with her bottle of blue, whole, milk and wants to cry.

Vicky smiles and laughs slightly, which seems slightly out of context when Michael (Hanzii's boyfriend) walks into the room and heads to the fridge for his blood. Which, unfortunately, Vicky has already used up.

"Sorry, dude, I needed it to calm Myrnin down earlier," she shrugs her shoulders, entirely not bothered that Michael is thirsty and there are three humans in the kitchen with their necks exposed. "Wait, Michael, you like red milk, don't you?" she asks him as he makes to rush out of the room to go and find one of his secret stashes which… _may_ have already been attacked by Vicky when she was experimenting on Myrnin during the night.

"Blue milk," he shoots back, actually preferring red milk but wanting to go against Vicky simply because she used up his blood without telling him.

Vicky folds her arms across her chest but Vitzy smiles at her and hands her the bottle of red milk for her coffee. "I go for red as well, as does Shane," she says, once again standing against Hanzii who seems rather upset at being outnumbered…

"Vicky, would you please hand me the butter?" she asks innocently, hiding the evil streak underneath.

"Sure," Vicky responds, not expecting the bottle of blue milk to be thrown at her chest, covering her _entire_ new outfit in disgusting milk. "Hey! You _bitch_! You threw milk at me!" she screeches, dripping the creamy liquid all over the freshly cleaned floor.

"You said blue was crappy – I heard you!" Hanzii shoots back, her hands on her hips as she realised she got the upper hand in the situation… that is, until Vitzy's new dog rushes in and, like it has been since it saw her, begins to hump her leg. "Ew, you stupid dog! Get _off_ me!" she shakes her leg but the dog clings on harder, deciding that it likes being on her leg.

She shakes it harder and harder and Vitzy only laughs whilst Vicky texts her boyfriend, getting him to bring reinforcements of the powder she had been making to attack Hanzii… well, the powder was for this plagarising cow who stole her idea for something but that isn't the point: this is _war_ with her and Hanzii now…

She moves out of the way as Hanzii finally manages to get the dog off her leg… by flinging it across the room and against the wall with a sickening thump.

"MY DOG!" Vitzy screams, dashing across to get her poor puppy, stroking it gently to try and get it to wake up. "You _cow_! You killed my poor puppy!" and here she begins to cry so hard that a river of tears explode from her eyes and she is out of the fic here, her face similar to :'(. The author would like to point out here that no animals were harmed in the making of this fic and that Vitzy's dog didn't _really_ die in real life.

Hanzii shrugs and smiles as Michael walks back into the room, wrapping a hand around her back. he wonders why there is a strange smell of milk mixing in with expensive perfume (a present from Vicky's mother, Amelie, the Founder of the Morganville, and her father Sam… but lets not go there… that's an entirely different fic) but ignores this as he kisses his girlfriend.

Hanzii can't help but feel a little guilty for the way that she had Eve killed but she doesn't care because _she_ wanted Michael and she needed him. All she had to do was get Ollypop on her side, something which she managed without a problem, and she got rid of her… and this is the reason why _she_ is the one kissing Michael right now, not the Goth girl Eve.

"THE CAVALRY HAS ARRIVED!" Myrnin screeches, shooting a jet of milk from a hastily filled watergun at Hanzii and Michael, making her screech and duck. "Hey, honey," he says to Vicky, who smiles at the sight of him, especially when he hands her one of the Gucci jumpers she left at the lab the other day.

"Hand me the bag, sweetie," she asks him and he throws her the little black bag that contains everything she needs to wage full on _war_ with Hanzii, the girl who didn't email or facebook her back. "You rock," she grins, pulling out the bottle of dye that will turn Hanzii's skin bright orange for about three or four hours – long enough to make her think that she will be an Oompa Loompa forever… oh yeah, Vicky forgot to mention that she has a little pot of green hair dye that will make her seem as if she has a meadow growing on her head.

With this, a huge war breaks out… well, it's more of a massacre. Michael, weakened by hunger, ends up being knocked out by a well aimed throwing of a broomstick – hey, who cares what type of magical creature they are? They can _all_ have a broom! This was thrown by Vitzy, who decides that she needs to avenge her poor dog by joining in on the side of the red forever!

"RED FOREVER!" Vicky yells as she turns Hanzii's skin the colour of fire: not a pretty sight. Unfortunately, Hanzii seems to have about 500 gallons of blue milk on her side of the room – the author decided that it would be unfair to have Vicky, Myrnin _and_ Vitzy against Hanzii with no resources – and aims it at the ringleader, covering Vicky _once again_ in the whole milk.

"No, **blue**!" Hanzii screeches back, rushing out of the kitchen and into the living room for the advantage of being able to squirt the high pressured milk at them as they advance after her.

Vitzy throws a pot of flowers at the retreating girl but misses by a mile, simply hitting the portal, which doesn't seem very important. However, the author would like to point out here that this is what destroys the fight… pretty much.

"JERADIMO!" Myrnin screams as he rushes out of the kitchen after Hanzii, swinging from the light like Tarzan. Something about him seems crazier than normal, Vitzy reflects, and she realises that her little stash of cocaine went missing yesterday. Maybe he got it.

The high pressured milk hits him in the face and he falls to the floor, succumbed by the damned milk – the wholeness…

"It's whole milk… it _burns_!" he digs his hands into his face and begins to pull for no reason, entirely over exaggerating.

"You are the biggest drama king in the world and a coward!" Hanzii yells at Myrnin who suddenly begins to cry, unable to accept that one of his best friends could say this about him. during this time, Vicky and Vitzy sneak out of the kitchen and begin to throw pints of red milk at Hanzii who screeches and fights back with her milk…

* * *

… meanwhile, Amelie and Sam are in their house, having implied sexy time that Vicky _really_ doesn't want to think about… she gets teased enough about being their kid, she doesn't need to think of that anymore. But when the flower – which, by the way, Amelie gave to her daughter when she left her mansion for the Glass House – hits the portal, she can't concentrate. She can only hear the screeches of Myrnin, Hanzii, Vitzy and her daughter…

"We need to go and find out what is going on," she tells her husband who rolls his eyes but nods, knowing that she won't give up until she can see what is going on. To be honest, he _is_ slightly worried for his daughter since she never screams like that… the last time she did; Oliver was trying to kill her…

So they get dressed and head over to the portal…

… at the same time as Vicky aims a tablet that turns the person pink – will make a nice mix up with the orange – at Hanzii… who ducks…

… the portal door opens and Amelie emerges into the Glass House living room, just as the pink thing hits her. She is thrown forwards into the room and when she appears again…she is entirely pink.

"Victoria Glass you are in _huge _trouble!" she screeches at her daughter, who instantly freezes… uhoh. The author would like to point out here that the hostilities in the Glass House were simply jokes and this was not supposed to happen!

"Um, sorry!" she exclaims but Amelie seems as if she is going to explode. Sam yanks her backwards into the portal and back to their home but before they leave, Vicky sees that he is laughing more than she thought he had ever laughed before… something to do with seeing his wife looking the same colour as one of the Princess dresses on Disney, she guesses.

For three seconds, they remain standing still, Myrnin and Michael still on the floor… then they start fighting again, Vicky deciding that she had better lock the portal this time, incase Amelie tries to come back again…

They keep fighting for as long as possible, before the doorbell rings. It could be the only sane one in the house, Shane, home from work (calling _Shane_ sane shows how crazy they all are today), but it could also be…

… Yes, the police.

"Vicky Glass and Hanzii, we are arresting you for disturbing the peace," Richard Morrell sighs, knowing that he has to do this to ensure that he doesn't lose his life – between Vicky and Amelie, he knows Amelie is scarier and has more power than Vicky.

"Whoop!" Vicky says, smiling slightly as she realises that she is getting a:

**DAY TRIP!**

Hanzii laughs as well and they seem to be getting on once again as they laugh on their way to the police station, singing along to 'Sam's town' by The Killers.

"Wait, why isn't Vitzy coming?" Vicky asks, realising that they are missing one of the key players in the attack… and Myrnin. He was the one who brought the masses of weapons that they used to attack each other with… and ultimately hit Amelie with…

"I wasn't told to arrest Vitzy," Richard sighs, turning the radio down slightly. The slightly spoilt, but absolute genius, child of the Founder pouts and turns away from Hanzii as she realises it is all her fault for disputing the brilliance of red milk.

"That's not _fair_!" Vicky moans, shutting her eyes as they arrive at the police station. "Dad'll let me go, won't he?"

"Nope, he was too busy _laughing_ to do anything," Richard pops the 'p' on the word 'nope', smiling as she pouts again.

"I need to go to _work_, though," she moans but he shakes his head.

"Your boss, aka your boyfriend, was lying on the floor of your house – I don't think that you could be doing any work that is worth anything…"

She rolls her eyes and gets out of the car with Hanzii, who shakes her head at the absurdity of the situation…

* * *

OoOo

* * *

"Blue!"

"Red!"

"Blue!"

"Red, red, _red_!" Vicky yells back, before Richard reenters the room.

"What happened and _why_ is Amelie pink… and Hanzii, why are you orange?" he asks in a weary tone, his appearance making Hanzii shut up because she is a small child with size three feet! The author would like to point out here that there _is_ no issue with the size of feet; it's just one of Hanzii's quirks…

"Well, Hanzii argued that blue milk was better than red and then she threw a pot of it at me before Vitzy's dog began humping her leg, so she threw it against the wall. Myrnin brought some reinforcements and then we had a bit of a battle before mum showed up and she got hit… and that's it," she shrugs, secretly proud that she managed to see Amelie a different colour than alabaster pale – it's a bit _boring_.

Richard rolls his eyes and says, "But why debate _milk_?"

"Because red milk is the best," Vicky replies instantly…

And then we get back to the beginning and what happens…

So Hanzii leaves to go to Common Grounds and Vicky goes home to find Michael and Myrnin have already cleaned up, on the orders of Sam: she _loves_ her Daddy sometimes, getting others to do her dirty work because she is so amazing and a true Daddy's girl…

Hanzii plots with Oliver the next evil plan they have – the author would like to point out that evil is to be said in a Voldemort esque voice with an evil laugh afterwards – which includes having a jell-o party… and buying Hanzii more Hollister shorts to smell first…

* * *

_Three hours later_

Once Richard has gone home to Hannah for the night, Vitzy decides that this is the perfect time to break her friends out of the prison: she doesn't know that they are both now at home and laughing over the events of the day whilst drinking purple (so no disagreements) WKDs…

"Super Vitzy here for the rescue!" she exclaims, blowing open the door of the prison. Nobody cares – humans aren't very important to be in jail. So she hacks into the computer – Richard isn't very original and only uses his name for a password – and looks for the names of her friends on the system.

"They're at home," Oliver says suddenly, surprising her. She turns to see him with his fangs out and he is heading for her throat. He sinks his fangs in but she uses her secret weapon: screeching! She can scream so loud she can destroy the eardrums of _dogs_ – pretty hard; it's been tested – before tasering him with the taser handily in her hand: the author decides that Vitzy is a _very_ important character so needs to survive.

"That's what you call girl power!" she says with a grin, heading home to join her friends and just waiting for the sun to rise so the tasered Oliver will fry…

… and all this because of milk!

* * *

_Whatcha think?_

_If you want a crack fic, say!_

_Please review!_

**_What's your milk? Skimmed or whole? Red or blue? Review and say... but if MY red doesn't win... I get depressed and don't write!_**

_Vicky xx_


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